The Separation – Things Fall Apart

2018-09-19 18.26.59

If I could even remember all the possible ways things have gone way not according to plan the last few months I might just list them here for posterity’s sake. But seeing as how they’re beginning to all run together into one giant blur of “get me out of this mess as soon as humanly possible” I will suffice it to say that nothing has gone the way I thought it would since my husband was supposed to graduate from Physical Therapy school at the beginning of December.

Actually… almost nothing about my entire life has gone the way I thought it would. I guess that’s kind of the point of living. To teach us that most things are not necessarily in our control and the things that are are dear and precious. I mean, have any of you had a life where you felt like you were mostly in control? I have yet to experience that. Maybe it’s just ’cause I fly by the seat of my pants? Or maybe we just haven’t figured out the secret to bringing all that good universe juice to us for our disposal… haha.

Anyway, I’m not being intentionally vague. My life is just a roller coaster. So here is “the list”, “the rundown”, the quintessential non-exhaustive bullet points of my life broken down into sentences on the blogosphere (even though I said “suffice it to say”):

  • November: Mr. Hums secures a job offer!
  • Last few weeks of November (my birthday 😉 ) we learn than Mr. Hummer likely will not pass his internship on time.
  • Commence… bronchitis? and…Sinus infections?
  • My grandma dies, and no matter what trying to get to her funeral isn’t working.
  • We are still homeless and haven’t yet given up the search for finding a rental
  • Second week of December: Definitely does not pass and doesn’t *technically* graduate
  • We were supposed to go on a post graduation very much needed family vacation to the coast, which never happened.
  • We are informed that he has to go back to Iowa to finish up clinical work…this is the only way.
  • During Christmas? I am devastated. Ultimately decide on waiting till January.
  • We give up trying to find a rental.
  • Almost miss the deadline for registering for board exams in January… if so, can’t take boards till April.
  • We’ve been living with in-laws since last June.
  • Get registration info in on the very last possible date.
  • Receive confirmation of the ability to register and take the exam despite extenuating weird non-graduation circumstances. Relief!
  • New Year’s Day. Drop Daddy off at the airport. We don’t know how long he will be gone.
  • Commence single mom life for the foreseeable future. oof.
  • Some days are more volatile than others.
  • Every clinical review brings a glimmer of hope for an end to the separation.
  • Every post clinical review brings reality crashing back front and center. Mr. Hums is still not quite finished.
  • Commence highest fever I recall having in my life to date. 105F. Children also sick, but not with fevers that high.
  • Other weird, and somewhat frightening physical issues. No insurance yet.
  • Next Tuesday are board exams. Daddy is still in Iowa.

You know, there is something about having your life turned completely upside down that just brings it’s own sick sense of peace and continuity to one’s life. As Remy says in Ratatouille “the only thing predictable about life is it’s unpredictability.” And in the uncertainty, there is continuity. The continuity that things could indeed actually get worse. Back in December, I thought things were as bad as they were going to get… But each day since has taught me that, no, things could and would get worse.

So now, instead of saying things are bad, I say things could be worse. It could always be worse. And I really would not like to find out how much worse…so I’ll just sit here and be grateful with the way things are because I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to learn from the latest topsy-turvy life events…but I’m just grateful that even though I can’t give my lover a real hug, he’s not dead. And my children are still with me. And they still tell me they love me despite how stressed and worried I am. And someday, someday very soon I will have my own house and we can unpack all of our favorite things and I can finally get chickens, and a dog, and grow plants on my own property, and I can have my husband back, and we’ll have an income again. Someday very soon all of this will be just another story to add to our book of life.

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